"Nothing is good or bad, thinking makes it so." – Shakespeare

Have you ever been on the receiving end of someone’s assumption and you have no idea how they came to believe the words they are saying?

*Raises hand*

Maybe your spouse thought you were angry and then it spiraled in their mind to you wanting a divorce. Or your kid lied to you about homework and you snapped at them using words like ‘Always’ or ‘Never’ and then they stare you blank-faced?

*Raises hand again*

That networking group you’re a little reluctant to go to because you just know that one person is going to say something, or you never have a good time and you’re feeling some kind of way?

Here’s the good news! You can control all of these situations by understanding that our brains are superb liars in the name of self-preservation.

All of these are errors in thinking and here are seven ways we’re going to talk about them today.

Error #1

Mind-Reading: An assumption of what others are thinking and/or feeling and acting in ways for a specific reason

 Ways to alter:

• Come up with at least one alternative or possible explanation as to why the person is thinking, feeling, acting in that way
• Ask clarifying questions – try to do this without judgement
• For argument’s sake, you’re right; why does it matter and what is the most constructive way you can deal with it?

Error #2

Catastrophizing / Fortune-Telling: Worst possible outcome you can think of

  Ways to alter:

• Ask yourself what proof you have
• Remind yourself of other possibilities
• Rate this worst-case scenario on a scale of 1 – 10 and ask yourself if it would really be as bad as you think
• If it’s about your ability to do something (speak publicly for example), can you test it out and see how it goes on a smaller scale?

Error #3

Over-Generalizing: Saying things like ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’

Ways to alter:

• If this about another person’s behavior; be specific in comments/suggestions, but remember that you can only control how you think/feel about it, not their behavior
• Allow people (and yourself) to be imperfect sometimes
• Discuss the behavior specifically, not the personality

Error #4

Emotional Reasoning: An over-reliance on your feelings to make decisions

Ways to alter:

• Remind yourself that feelings do not equate truth or facts
• Examine the thought causing the feeling and ask if the thought is justified
• If you were less stressed/angry/irritated, what would your thought/view be. Give yourself some space, both physical and time, before making a final decision
• If possible, ask someone you respect and who is neutral to the situation for their feedback

Error #5

Making Demands: Using words like ‘Should.’ ‘Must.’

Ways to alter:

• Use words that reflect desires and feelings rather than impose a demand. (Ex. Wish, prefer, want, perhaps)
• Is it helpful to impose demands? Would it be better to request or slightly lower expectations?
• Expect your standards from yourself, acknowledge your desire that other people hold the same while realizing it’s really ok if they don’t

Error #6

Negative focus: A disproportionate focus on negative aspects, and paying little or no attention to the positives

Ways to alter:

• Gratitudes! Consciously looking for positive aspects of a person/situation
• Pretend you had defend the positive stance, what would you say?
• What would that friend you asked in Error #4 say

Error #7

Excessive Self-Criticism: Continuously putting yourself down and focusing on your bad qualities

Ways to alter:

• Remember that it’s ok to be imperfect
• Determine an alternate thought/action/feeling then next time, put it into practice
• Ask your friends/family to remind you of your positive qualities

You might have noticed the focus on these errors were all in a negative context because, let’s face it, we’re stressed about negative things and we need to figure out how to handle them in a way that produces less stress. You aren’t angry if someone is always giving you a reason to smile, right? Right. Because we enjoy that, it reduces our stress and therefore doesn’t need to be altered. 

The bottom line with all of these, Assume Positive Intent. The people in your life are not purposefully trying to hurt you or make you look bad any more than you are them. By assuming positive intent, you'll be able to more easily adjust the way you are thinking, feeling and responding.

This is why Shakespeare’s quote is so awesome, because WE are the ones who make a thing good or bad. We decide how to respond, how to react and how to feel.

I hope you’ve found this helpful and remember that you have the power to change your mind, change your feelings and change your behavior!

WITH GRATITUDE,

Rina

In addition to being a Business Resiliency Coach and Co-Founder of the Corridor Connection Network, Rina Jensen is a Super Connector, Speaker, Change-maker & Small Business Advocate. By addressing the emotional and psychological side of business, Rina helps her clients achieve new levels of success, improve personal and professional relationships and facilitates mindset changes in her clients. She gives you the power to be who you are. To learn more about how she can help you or your organization reach new goals, send her a message at Rina@RinaJensen.com or visit her website